The Tory Voice (Part 1).

Leopold Cumberbitch, feared Daily Mail columnist and chief poor-people correspondent, responds to Theresa May’s recent dictates and the government response to urban disturbance in general:

‘“Parts of our society are not just broken, but sick” these were the words of the Prime Minister, David Cameron, after some of the worst riots Britain has ever seen. He was entirely correct though, and far be it from me to doubt the Prime Minister, he did not go far enough for my liking in terms of actual action. Allow me to spell out, in my modest opinion, what caused the riots, what happened during the riots and how the perpetrators can be punished in such a way that this cannot happen again:

What caused the riots;

As I’m sure was clear to anybody who watched the superlative and introspective BBC coverage of these heinous acts it was clear that the perpetrators were all of a certain ‘type’. These were characterised by a number of factors. Firstly, they are criminals. I know, I know, ‘of course they’re criminals’ you say ‘they all committed crimes’, well that’s not quite what I mean. When I say criminals I am referring, of course, to the criminal class and not someone who has simply made a mistake (such as perjury, for example, or fraud). These are the people Mr. Cameron undoubtedly meant when he declared some parts of our society to be ‘sick’.

Once one of their own was shot by police in the line of duty, by all accounts a vicious gangster who may well have fired first, the criminal class first laid siege to a police station and then began to burn and steal their way around London. This is what happens when such people are allowed their freedom and so much time is spent discussing their so-called ‘rights’. It is, by now, a well established truism that there is a segment of society which is simply beyond hope. They are born and bred for crime, a danger to law abiding citizens and predisposed to violence. There will be more on this shortly.

What happened during the riots;

Bedlam. There can be little doubt that this was primarily a concerted effort by organised, dangerous criminal gangs to scoff at the law and bring the country to its knees. Pure greed, unfettered by proper business practice, was its entire cause. It is the avarice of the criminal class which was brought to the fore during these appalling acts. It is no exaggeration to say that it was the single most heinous assault on decency that has ever happened. Innocent small businesses (such as JD Sports, Tesco, the Carphone Warehouse and Currys) were looted, historic factories were burned to the ground and, last, some Asians lost their lives. I place the loss of life last not from racism, but from an acknowledgement that such an event is less important in the grand scheme of things.

The lack of water-cannon and rubber bullets has been discussed at length elsewhere, though I think it is fair to say that the police are in need of much stronger weaponry in order to subjugate the underclass. This, again, is an issue of secondary importance; these people have proven that a boot to the face will not cause them to change their ways.

Finally, What needs to be done;

Today Theresa May, bless her heart, has suggested that a curfew may help. In part I agree, though I feel this measure may not be enough. Instead we must look at the wider social problems which caused this. I feel confident enough in my expertise to make a number of suggestions on this point.

It is not enough to simply herd these people into their own homes. It is time to consider assuming guilt for this section of society and locking them all up until they can prove that they can be of some use to the state. Of course there is a problem; the expense would be too great at a time when we need to make sure the boys in the city keep the banks running smoothly. The answer, then, is to put them to work.

Now, bear with me here, they are not the sort of people who can be trusted to look after their own money, and they are not the sort of people who are willing to create their own businesses (and heaven forfend that they get enough of a foothold in the job market to start creating jobs, could you imagine?). All the same, it is a basic tenet of capitalism that money must exchange hands, so where could this exchange come from? The obvious answer is to rent them out to those who are willing to pay. They could be put to work as labourers and, eventually, they could earn their freedom (giving them something to aspire to, something else they lack). At the end of the working day they could be escorted back to their camp. It’s the perfect system; those willing to pay could rent out workers, the government can keep an eye on them (while keeping the decent citizenry safely separated from their depredations) and they get a place to live, aspiration and a job. It would solve our problems with the labour market, cheap employment would cause a boom in British manufacturing and the rest of society would be secure. Those who have worked hard and behaved well would be granted their rights as full citizens and could even be granted a certificate or commemorative plaque to celebrate their achievement.

I understand that this will be controversial but, if implemented quickly, it could even help the Olympics to come in under-budget, and, really, isn’t fiscal responsibility what we all want in the end?’

Leopold Cumberbitch will return the next time the AnarchoGoth seeks a dissenting opinion.